After gazing into my crystal (meth) ball, I’ve come up with 10 random predictions for 2007:
10. Mel Gibson will release Apocalypto on DVD under its original title: Mayan Kampf.
9. Donald Rumsfeld will be named the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts.
8. Starbucks will run out of space and have to open a store inside an existing Starbucks, creating an overpriced rift in the space-time continuum.
7. The Wizard of Oz will pay a belated visit to the White House to give George W. Bush a brain, Dick Cheney a heart, and Condi Rice courage, but will be labeled an enemy combatant and sent to an undisclosed location for “rigorous interrogation.”
6. A young man’s wish to be reincarnated as a pair of Britney Spears’s undies backfires when he is never seen again.
5. Osama bin Laden will finally be found in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion, showing Miss February his personal “improvised exploding device.”
4. Kim Jong Il will launch a nuclear missile which falls short of the U.S. and hits the island from “Lost”, putting the show’s fans out of their misery.
3. Lindsay Lohan will give up alcohol and partying and find Jesus. A week later, Lindsay and Jesus will be spotted staggering out of a nightclub and puking up mojitos.
2. On “Grey’s Anatomy”, Meredith and McDreamy will have a baby, McPreemie.
1. I will save Steve Jobs’s life, and he will thank me by developing a personalized new Apple product: the iClaude (not sure what it does, but the ads will be cool).
