Sting of death

The news that ex-football player Darryl Stingley had passed away carried extra meaning for me, since I was at the game nearly 30 years ago when he was paralyzed by a vicious hit from the Raiders’ Jack Tatum.  The Oakland-New England exhibition game was the first NFL game I ever attended, but it was Stingley’s devastating injury that has stuck with me over the years.

Tatum always had a reputation as a merciless hitter, crushing receivers as they dared to come across the middle.  While he may not have intended to hurt Stingley to the degree he did, the fact that he celebrated his reputation and nickname “Assassin” in the book he later wrote left a bitter taste in my mouth.

In the past few months, the Broncos have suffered the tragic loss of two players, Darrent Williams and Damien Nash.  As a fan, their deaths, especially Williams’s senseless murder, hit especially close to home.  As a fan, football can represent an escape from reality, but reality is always there, whether on the field or off it, ready to end a career or a life.  As a fan, I acknowledge that sad fact, even as I wait for the upcoming NFL draft and the new season.  I just hope this kind of reality keeps its distance from the Broncos for a while.

Predictions for 2007

After gazing into my crystal (meth) ball, I’ve come up with 10 random predictions for 2007:

10. Mel Gibson will release Apocalypto on DVD under its original title: Mayan Kampf.
9. Donald Rumsfeld will be named the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts.
8. Starbucks will run out of space and have to open a store inside an existing Starbucks, creating an overpriced rift in the space-time continuum.
7. The Wizard of Oz will pay a belated visit to the White House to give George W. Bush a brain, Dick Cheney a heart, and Condi Rice courage, but will be labeled an enemy combatant and sent to an undisclosed location for “rigorous interrogation.”
6. A young man’s wish to be reincarnated as a pair of Britney Spears’s undies backfires when he is never seen again.
5. Osama bin Laden will finally be found in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion, showing Miss February his personal “improvised exploding device.”
4. Kim Jong Il will launch a nuclear missile which falls short of the U.S. and hits the island from “Lost”, putting the show’s fans out of their misery.
3. Lindsay Lohan will give up alcohol and partying and find Jesus. A week later, Lindsay and Jesus will be spotted staggering out of a nightclub and puking up mojitos.
2. On “Grey’s Anatomy”, Meredith and McDreamy will have a baby, McPreemie.
1. I will save Steve Jobs’s life, and he will thank me by developing a personalized new Apple product: the iClaude (not sure what it does, but the ads will be cool).

Yo G-Dub, let’s get this party started!

Talk about counting your chickens before they’re hatched: Republicans have had to roll over $20 million from last year’s Pentagon budget designated for a national day of celebration for victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. Gee, I wonder why they haven’t spent it yet. Oh, right, turns out they spent more time planning for the victory celebration than planning for the actual victory. Oops.

I sure hope that money’s accruing interest. Those “Mission Accomplished” banners don’t come cheap. And someone tell the aircraft carrier to keep circling the block. Dubya’s been, um, delayed…

Fox’s faith-based initiative

From the company that brought you such morally redeeming TV shows as “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire” and “The Swan” comes an attempt to reach the alienated Christian movie audience. What movies will Fox Faith feature on their slate? Here are my Top Ten suggestions:

10. “Dude, Where’s My Messiah?”
9. “Jesus’s Twelve”
8. “Adam and Eve Go to White Castle”
7. “Born Again on the Fourth of July”
6. “How the Godless Liberal Grinch Stole Christmas”
5. “The 700 Fight Club”
4. “Evolution’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”
3. “While You Were Sleeping 2: The Terry Schiavo Story”
2. “There’s Something About Mary Magdalene”
1. “The Passion of the Christ 2: Electric Bugaloo”

“The Bodyguard 2″

A silly sidenote to the War on Terror: A woman claiming to be a former sex slave to Osama bin Laden claims that the al-Qaeda leader had, like, the hugest crush on… Whitney Houston. To the point of considering having Bobby Brown killed. Which is his prerogative.

I’ll believe it when Al-Jazeera broadcasts a video from Osama where he lip-syncs “I Will Always Love You”. Maybe we could Whitney as bait. Except if we put her that close to Afghanistan, she’d just make a beeline for the poppy fields, and not even the Special Forces could get her out.

I’m sure he meant to say “Shi’ite”

Yeah, the President uttered a curse word while speaking to Tony Blair at the G-8 Summit, unaware an open mike was recording their conversation. Hey, who doesn’t want to curse when discussing the Middle East? I was more disheartened by his lack of engagement about the whole process. I think peace is going to take something more involved than “Hey, would ya keep that racket down?!”

Unfortunately, this is about the only example of hands-on diplomacy from Dubya. Now this is what the press would focus on if Clinton were still president.

Homeland Insecurity

Good news for anyone worried that Al Qaeda uses your community newsletter’s weekend calendar section to choose its targets: A report by the Department of Homeland Security’s own Inspector General found that “the department’s database of vulnerable critical infrastructure and key resources included an insect zoo, a bourbon festival, a bean fest and a kangaroo conservation center.” On the other hand, the database failed to list Times Square, the Empire State Building, the Brooklyn Bridge and the Statue of Liberty as national icons or monuments.

Ouch! And I thought Edie Falco getting snubbed by the Emmys was bad. On the positive side, if you’re a kangaroo, you can breathe easy now. Unless you’re in New York City to see the sights.

Putin on the kids

I’m sure many of you have heard about this story about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s recent attempt to get in touch with his inner child. Okay, it wasn’t inner and it wasn’t his. But I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for his behavior and I’ve come up with 10 possibilities:

Top Ten Reasons Putin Kissed That Boy’s Stomach:

10. Forgot to kiss that kid as a baby 4 years ago and is making up for lost time.
9. Clearly somebody slipped Putin some primo Ex.
8. He’s working on his Michael Jackson impression and he can’t moonwalk yet.
7. Desperate cry from a world leader, and launching missiles was already taken.
6. People have wildly underestimated the Catholic Church’s influence on Russian politics.
5. Preparing to pitch his life story to Gregg Araki.
4. Scientology’s P.R. department strikes again!
3. KGB now stands for Kiss Good Boy.
2. Vodka shots at 9 in the morning seemed like a good idea at the time.
1. Fulfilling constitutional duty to go crazy as President, just like Yeltsin.