Predictions for 2007

After gazing into my crystal (meth) ball, I’ve come up with 10 random predictions for 2007:

10. Mel Gibson will release Apocalypto on DVD under its original title: Mayan Kampf.
9. Donald Rumsfeld will be named the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts.
8. Starbucks will run out of space and have to open a store inside an existing Starbucks, creating an overpriced rift in the space-time continuum.
7. The Wizard of Oz will pay a belated visit to the White House to give George W. Bush a brain, Dick Cheney a heart, and Condi Rice courage, but will be labeled an enemy combatant and sent to an undisclosed location for “rigorous interrogation.”
6. A young man’s wish to be reincarnated as a pair of Britney Spears’s undies backfires when he is never seen again.
5. Osama bin Laden will finally be found in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion, showing Miss February his personal “improvised exploding device.”
4. Kim Jong Il will launch a nuclear missile which falls short of the U.S. and hits the island from “Lost”, putting the show’s fans out of their misery.
3. Lindsay Lohan will give up alcohol and partying and find Jesus. A week later, Lindsay and Jesus will be spotted staggering out of a nightclub and puking up mojitos.
2. On “Grey’s Anatomy”, Meredith and McDreamy will have a baby, McPreemie.
1. I will save Steve Jobs’s life, and he will thank me by developing a personalized new Apple product: the iClaude (not sure what it does, but the ads will be cool).

Fox’s faith-based initiative

From the company that brought you such morally redeeming TV shows as “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire” and “The Swan” comes an attempt to reach the alienated Christian movie audience. What movies will Fox Faith feature on their slate? Here are my Top Ten suggestions:

10. “Dude, Where’s My Messiah?”
9. “Jesus’s Twelve”
8. “Adam and Eve Go to White Castle”
7. “Born Again on the Fourth of July”
6. “How the Godless Liberal Grinch Stole Christmas”
5. “The 700 Fight Club”
4. “Evolution’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”
3. “While You Were Sleeping 2: The Terry Schiavo Story”
2. “There’s Something About Mary Magdalene”
1. “The Passion of the Christ 2: Electric Bugaloo”

Putin on the kids

I’m sure many of you have heard about this story about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s recent attempt to get in touch with his inner child. Okay, it wasn’t inner and it wasn’t his. But I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for his behavior and I’ve come up with 10 possibilities:

Top Ten Reasons Putin Kissed That Boy’s Stomach:

10. Forgot to kiss that kid as a baby 4 years ago and is making up for lost time.
9. Clearly somebody slipped Putin some primo Ex.
8. He’s working on his Michael Jackson impression and he can’t moonwalk yet.
7. Desperate cry from a world leader, and launching missiles was already taken.
6. People have wildly underestimated the Catholic Church’s influence on Russian politics.
5. Preparing to pitch his life story to Gregg Araki.
4. Scientology’s P.R. department strikes again!
3. KGB now stands for Kiss Good Boy.
2. Vodka shots at 9 in the morning seemed like a good idea at the time.
1. Fulfilling constitutional duty to go crazy as President, just like Yeltsin.